Interview with Susie - A Recently Widowed Woman

(Only nicknames or middle names will be used in my interviews to help protect each person’s privacy.)

Susie, you lost your spouse January 6th of 2024, not that long ago. Here we are, 14 months later. What would you say is the hardest part in losing your spouse?

The first few months, I was in shock. It seemed urgent to do paperwork. My daughter helped me with all that, but now I realize that when you lose a spouse, you lose part of yourself. It’s easy to see now that I have been “one spoiled woman.” First, my parents, then Doyle took care of me. They spoiled me. Now, Stephanie, my daughter, calls or stops by and checks on me. She takes care of me in so many ways. I am blessed to have her, always have been blessed.

What would you say has been the hardest part during the last six months for you?

Winter. That makes grief harder. Winter is trouble for older people. Things break and need fixing. I’m lucky in that my son-in-law is handy. He knows how to fix things.

A lot of women struggle to ask for help. I don’t know if it’s a Southern thing or not, but I bump into women everywhere who won’t ask for help. Can you ask for help when you know you need it?

I can ask for help. I have an issue with my motor on the AC right now. I’m in line to get help, but I don’t like being a bother to anyone.

Susie, you are an extrovert and seem to mix and mingle easily.

Yes, I’m guilty of that. I love telling stories about my youth.

So you are a storyteller.

You might say that. My parents did not share about their troubles as I grew up, so I guess that’s how I happened to have a happy-go-lucky childhood. They took care of me. So did my brothers. They were 10 and 12 years older than I was. I grew up like an only child. I realize that now. I was so spoiled. I got plenty of attention. The bad thing was being lonely in summers when I didn’t have school. I lived in the country, so I’d go up and down the hills and hollers with my baby doll. Lived in a pretend world, under walnut trees.

Was that a good world to live in?

Oh, that was a wonderful world!

Anything else you want to say about your pretend world? What was fun?

I’d play “church.” I’d stand on a big flat rock and I’d sing church songs, like “Where Could I Go but to the Lord?” Then I’d preach.

Susie, how old do you think you might have been?

Probably 1952, so that’d make me 10 years old, the same year my husband Doyle graduated. [Big grin.]

Any hurts you can talk about?

In school, I remember an incident where girls hurt me emotionally. What came out of that, though, was me saying to myself, “I will be me. I will be me!”

Wow! A significant emotional experience. Did you carry that into your adult life?

Doyle let me be who I am. I could be me with him.

Susie, where did your family actually live?

Four miles north of Calico Rock, Arkansas, in the Pleasant Valley Community.

So you lived there until graduation?

I did. I graduated from Calico Rock High School at 17 years old. I couldn’t drive, and I had absolutely no plan for the future. My brother lived in Lawrence, Kansas, and he invited me to come live with his family, maybe work at the Hallmark cards factory. And that’s what I did.

Then, what?

Well, after I graduated, I got engaged to Doyle, who lived in Grandview, Missouri, not that far from where I was in Lawrence, Kansas. He was in the military at that time. We had Calico Rock and Norfork and Arkansas in common. Three months later, after graduation, we married.

So, Susie, you moved to Grandview to live with Doyle?

Yes, but I kept working at Hallmark. Worked there for 2 1/2 years. It was easy to catch a ride to work. Everybody helped each other.

That’s right, you didn’t drive yet. You married in which year?

Doyle and I married in 1959. Four years later, we had a little boy, then seven years later, a little girl. I’ve had a very blessed life, and I attribute that to having the Lord in my life.

Susie, I knew you and Doyle in your later years when everything looked smooth-sailing. Did you and Doyle think alike or did you have to compromise on things to make it together for almost 65 years?

I was frugal, and he was a spender. Doyle compromised. He wound up making me feel secure. The kids felt secure, too. But after the kids grew up, if we wanted a certain food, we got it. If we wanted to go to a ballgame, we went. Also, I liked having the last word, and I was a pouter if I didn’t get my way. Oh, and I could be stubborn! Doyle would say what he thought, and then he’d magically “get over it.” So, I had to learn to be less stubborn and give up pouting.

You were great teachers for each other. He gave up spending, and you gave up pouting.

We both knew right and wrong, you know. We just needed to grow up a little. Forgive and let some things go.  

You and Doyle moved back to Mountain Home, and you learned to drive. How did that go?

I went to Driver’s Education. Then I took the test. I got my driver’s license!

Susie, you might have been called a housewife. You had years of not working, right?  

Yes, that’s right. Doyle was happy with me not working. He liked his supper ready when he got home. We gardened, too. I think I lived like I grew up. Doyle did, too. We were content with living this way.

And your parents moved next door?

Yes, we talked them into moving next to us as my mom began to have health issues. I got to take care of them. I gave care to my family for 20 years: first, my mom, then imy dad, and finally, my brother. I was always checking on them. They were independent people, but I’d make suggestions, and they were fine with it, especially Daddy. My brother wound up in a nursing home, but I’d check on him daily. He had multiple problems, but he kept a sweet spirit. Everyone in the nursing home loved him. Staff people would sometimes go to him for comfort. They’re all in heaven now. Better off in heaven, of course.

You were a major caregiver, Susie. That takes energy. I salute you. Do you have a good support system today?

i do. My kids, both of them, my cousin John, my church, a ladies group, so many good friends.

You are 83 now. You have had good people in your life. When you have concerns, what is your way of dealing with them?

Hard times. Well, I know to pray and give it to God. Let it go. Of course, sometimes I cry and worry a while before I turn it over. [We both laugh.] As long as I feel pretty good, I can do it. But when I struggle with a health issue, it’s scary…. That’s when I really have to turn it over.

Susie, you have a boat-load of sweet memories. Do you have any regrets?

There are things I wish I’d done, things I wish I’d said that were never said.

I hear that. If you went strictly by his behaviors, since Doyle wasn’t the word-person that you are, do you think Doyle would know how much you loved and appreciated him?

I think everybody needs to express it more. Sometimes, I do question if he knew how much I loved and appreciated him. But he always had his arm around me or held my hand in the yard and in public, so yes, I think he knew I loved and appreciated him.

And how did he show his feelings toward you, other than touch?

He’d play songs on YouTube for me. The words in the songs always made me happy.

Nice. What do you spend idle time thinking about?

What usually comes to mind is heaven, the future, seeing Jesus, a grand reunion with my loved ones.

And if you were to pass on a bit of advice to anyone younger, what would that be?

Live the best you know, stay involved with people, and keep your eyes on Jesus.

Thank you, Susie. Thank you for your wise example!

"Susie," a few years back. Drawing by Mary Chambers, 2025.

Poetry Books by Pat Durmon

Women, Resilient Women

Blind Curves

Push Mountain Road

Lights and Shadows in a Nursing Home

Prose by Pat Durmon

The story of Lee R. Farrier from Norfork, Arkansas, is Pat's first book of prose and a tribute to Lee, the town of Norfork, and its people. All profits from sales go toward a scholarship at Norfork High School.

Going Home: A Memoir by Pat Durmon with Lee R. Farrier